As the week draws to a close, and Father's Day approaches, I want to take this opportunity to wish all Dads out there a very happy Father's Day! As a father, I have new found respect for the important role fathers have in their children's lives, and ultimately in those of their children, and their children's children, and so on...
Fatherhood is a role that draws upon both shared and individual experiences, with cultural, ethical, social, political, and even economical influences. Many of us learned what we know about it from our fathers and our grandfathers. They have passed on their wisdom, experiences, and knowledge they have gained over the years, in efforts to help us be better prepared for life, and eventually, for fatherhood...if you can ever prepare for that!
An article I had published in Neonatal Network in 2008 expanded on this concept, including how male nurses can relate to fathers in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). I was a night shift nurse in the NICU at the time the article was written and published. I had spent about 1 1/2 years working in the NICU before my premature twin daughters were patients there in late 2004-early 2005. Before that time - which I refer to as "BC" (before children)- I enjoyed taking care of the tiny patients, and learning how they "tick", so-to-speak. However, after my daughters were born, and spent several weeks in our unit, my view changed dramatically. I realized I never really understood how it felt to take care of someone's child until that moment. Sure, I spent plenty of time taking care of the "patients", but to really know and understand what the parents were thinking, worried about, and what I knew about the truths and myths behind caring for premature babies proved very beneficial over time.
If you have ever watched the NBC TV comedy Scrubs, then this next reference will make sense...if not, well, you should watch the show...it's pretty funny (or at least is use to be - in my own opinion). Anyway, one of the main characters realized that he could not "see" any married women around him, because the fact they had wedding rings on made them "invisible" to him. In one scene, one of his friends assured him there were more women around him than he noticed. So, his friend proceded to call attention to the married women in the immediate area, asking them to remove their wedding rings, suddenly a roomful of women appeared. (Like I said, if you don't watch the show, or haven't seen this episode, then it may not make sense....but it's what popped into my head at this time, so I went with it...)
The point there is this: we may not really be aware of what (or who) is directly in front of us every day. Like the situation I just described, I never really "saw" the parents, or the dads, until after I became a NICU dad myself....it was then that the "rings were removed", and I could see the fathers all around me.
To be honest, I believe that a majority of the attention is focused on moms in the NICU, and for very good reasons most of the time. Mothers are going through a tremendous amount of stress during this time. They are healing physically, and trying to emotionally. And until I became a "father standing in the back of the room", I really never thought about how much some fathers can be "overlooked." As I talk about in my article, just because a guy doesn't express his emotions externally, it doesn't mean he does not have them...i.e., just because he doesn't seem stressed and worried, it doesn't mean he isn't. Quite the opposite is true. Men just worry about different things...their baby, their partner, their job, their home, etc. Not that women do not think of these things too, it is just that the men tend to be more focused on the "bigger picture", while the women are more focused on their child and being a mother.
Fathers love their children, and want to be involved with their care. Some may be a bit apprehensive to "touch" or "hold" the baby at first, as they may feel they are going to "break" them. It is my belief that having male nurses in the NICU offers a unique support system for the fathers. It provides them with a male role model, demonstrating that men can care for the smallest of babies without "breaking" them...and more importantly, that having a positive relationship "man-to-man" between the male nurses and the fathers could, in fact, lead to earlier caregiving behaviors, and therefore, earlier bonding opportunities. And that is where fatherhood really begins: seeing your baby for the first time, taking in all of the immediate senses around you. As nurses, we have a long-lasting impact on these fathers, and their first experiecnes with fatherhood. We are much more influential than we might believe.
I know that there are many of you with similar stories about being a nurse and a parent of premature infants...and just being parents in general. Some of you may have lost children at an early age, whether it be in infancy or in childhood. The pain you have felt is unknown to me, and to many others, and I can only say that my heart goes out to each one of you every day. And, in the end, that is what we are really offering to our patients and their families: our hearts. Nursing is the caring profession.We must think critically with our brains, act swiftly with our arms and legs, but we must always include our hearts in our daily practice. I know that there are days when patients and their families are on your last nerve, and have exhausted every last bit of compassion you feel you have left in your body. I've been there myself. But at the end of the day, when you are heading home...and they are staying there...just know that every act of compassion and caring are noticed and welcomed...even if they are not reciprocated. Anger is a manifestation of fear.
Help your patients and help their families. Healthcare is a continuum, and your patients are on varying aspects of that continuum. Some are realtively healthy, positive, and appreciative...while others...not so much. But we don't pick our patients, their diseases, or their families....but we did pick our profession, and that is just part of the package that we must accept. So, next time you are with a patient and their family, try to think about what I have said. Try to see what is right in front of you...you might just be surprised by what you discover.
Happy Father's Day!
Thank you.
Steve
